I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
