My liver just broke up with me...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
