He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I can't trust your balls anymore.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
