There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
