Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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