I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
