maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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