and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
