Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
