I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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