PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
