I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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