So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
