If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
