She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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