I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
