My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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