i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
