This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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