Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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