He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
