In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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