I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
