giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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