Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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