I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
