brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I wish my penis had an off switch
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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