It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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