I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
