everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
pop tarts are not kleenex
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
