They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
