that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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