i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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