my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
