i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
