I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
