i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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