if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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