I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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