dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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