Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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