I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I can text with my tongue
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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