my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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