All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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