I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
