Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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