God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
