so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
