3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
