you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize