That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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