Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
