Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
