Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
