The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You need Xanax blowdarts
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize