I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
